Haiku from Diagnosis to Death

As over three years has now passed since the death of my husband from cancer; I feel ready to share some Haiku poetry that I wrote during the time from his initial diagnosis to his death.  Maybe my experiences will chime with yours, and maybe not.  They are offered in the hopes of allowing a window into a particular grief experience with a recognition that everyone journeys differently.

I hear kindly, grave

Eyes; too many nursing staff.

You just hear their words.

 

I want to go home.

If home is where the heart is

I’m a refugee.

 

It’s at times like these

That I must fully feel the

Weight in the waiting.

 

The long goodbye I

Longed for now seems almost too

Long and not so good.

 

Difficult question

Seems easy to answer for

You; Why am I stung?

 

Still rain falls, and the

Ground under my feet has shifted

Since yesterday.

 

Each day brings its own

Uncertainty held in an

Ultimate certainty.

 

Waiting to become

A widow; unlike our wedding

The date is not fixed.

 

You say you found it

Beautifully sad; but this is life

And death, not Broadway.

 

Sitting in the car

Watching the rain fall, am I

Brave enough today?

 

In endless hugs and

Smiles I strive to repair my

Fractured, fragile world.

 

I sleep and my mind

Works nimbly, sorting data.

Buried files emerge.

 

You’re not here.  ‘Maybe

Somewhere very deep’ they say.

I say ‘You’ve already left’.

 

And so I can’t stay.

Why would I gaze on the

Caterpillar now?

 

Yet where have you gone?

The chessboard still shows the

Stalemate that refused defeat.