As I fumble my way through this
period of disintegration I am trying to learn to listen......to myself, to
others, to the whole reverberation of creation. I returned from a week in
Cornwall and found a sub-conscious part of me wanting to get ready for the
beginning of a new term. The change in the air from the soft breezes and
the suffocating humidity of summer into the bright chill of early autumn
aroused a long-practised impetus to organise choir music, compile registers,
book venues, create publicity and so on. There will be no such activity
for me this term. Although some choirs are starting to meet, the
restrictions on numbers, spacing, time limitations, ventilation requirements,
lack of socialising mean that for me the compromise is too great and would
transform the experience into something so substantially lacking.
So I have listened to that
feeling in myself. And listening a bit deeper, I find that there is a
reticence about firing up all the cylinders of my 'choir director engine'
again. What is that about? It doesn't seem to be about the
music......I heard some new choir pieces on Youtube this week and found myself wondering
how to get hold of the arrangements; and I don't think it's about being with
people.......on the whole I am missing the social interaction. And
unusually for a musician, I also quite enjoy the admin!
So why am I reticent? Apart
from the stated reluctance to attempt to operate under the new circumstances,
there is undoubtedly an energy issue. I value community choirs not just
because they are formed from a geographical community, but fundamentally
because they create a community of themselves. For me, the music is a
vehicle for people to find a means of self-expression and to come together in
the creation of something greater than the sum of its parts. I want to be
committed to the individuals who come to my choirs and to know something of
them and their lives, so that I can help them to get the most out of their
singing experience. However, I confess that it takes a lot of energy -
physical energy during the session itself, plus mental and emotional energy. And
just now, I'm not sure that I've still got sufficient reserves.
And if I listen to myself at an even deeper level, I am hearing a voice that questions my motives, my authenticity. What do I get out of being a choir director? Undoubtedly I get a huge ego boost! A successful concert makes me feel great and I have a sense of pride; but also, because I want to create happy singing communities, I get a boost from being loved and admired. Of course, that's a lovely thing, but it can then be tempting to think of yourself more highly, and if you become dependent on admiration it is hard to accept criticism whether kindly or unkindly intended. I'm sorry to say that this has definitely been the case from time to time. Whilst the divine spark in me ( sometimes called the true self) is motivated by a love for the community, my ego ( or false self) is motivated by the personal rewards which turn out to be ultimately unrewarding. For more on the true self/false self, see the writings of Thomas Merton, or Richard Rohr
And to be honest, the other thing
I have got from being a choir leader is that it has kept me busy. In the
aftermath of my husband's death, the possibility of lonely evenings was hugely
reduced by leading choir sessions four times a week. I found them
life-giving and energising. It always feels good to be busy; it's a great
way of appearing successful and everyone likes to be seen as successful.
It's a tricky balance to weigh up how much activity is genuinely life-giving
and how much it simply fills the time and distracts from the necessary work of
inner life and growth.
I guess there is a time and
season for everything. I believe that the Spirit is always hovering, always
creating flow and offering us choices. Sometimes it is not easy to see
that we have choices, but in fact I believe we always do. Our choices may
be very limited and we may not like any of our options very much, but I think
there is always choice and to recognise this is itself empowering as it
prevents us from seeing ourselves as victims. For those of us who are fortunate
enough to have a range of choices, this enforced quietude may offer an
opportunity to consider which things for us are 'radiators' and which things may
have become 'drains'. Which things satisfy the yearnings of the true self
and which things only feed the false?
Hmm, tricky! Pass the chocolate
digestives!
